I am someone who does a lot of reflection around the coming of a new year about the year that has just passed. I do this because I feel it's how we learn, how we remember lessons learned, and it allows those lessons to sink in. This last year was unlike one I have ever experienced. For those of you who don't know me very well, I am an incredibly independent person that doesn't share many specifics about herself, her life, and especially her struggles. I always joke with Glen that if I were ever on undercover boss we would never get anything because I wouldn't share anything I'd just walk away. I keep my emotions and my feelings very close to myself so only close family really knows the struggles that I (and we) faced this last year. This last year was one of the hardest that I have ever experienced and that I hope I ever have to experience. While I am a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, sometimes that's hard to remember when something so life altering and scary is staring you in the face. When I am faced with challenges meant to teach me something I know I will usually only see its benefit once it is over because in the midst of it I do my best to keep my head down, keep plugging along, and don't let the universe know you're so much as breaking a sweat. As I was reflecting on lessons learned this last year I have found that in the most recent challenges as in challenges past I was reminded that even though something hurts and you feel alone, you are not really alone at all. There is always someone who loves you watching over you and helping you along your way. I didn't realize this was one of the lessons learned until over Thanksgiving we went to see Michael McLean's "Forgotten Carols." At the end of his performance he sang a song that I loved and had forgotten about that hit me right in the heart.
Those who know me well know that music is a huge communicator to me. When I am upset I listen to music and it's an outlet, when I need encouragement often times the perfect song will come at the perfect time and be a breath of fresh air, and when I need strength I listen to a song that can give me that. My junior high and high school years were rough. Again...not something that many people know. I can mark the beginning of that struggle with when my Grandma Friday passed away. She was (and still is) such a voice of reason and understanding to me that when she passed away I felt like something in my life and in my heart was definitely missing. Right after she passed away I would listen to this song multiple times a day so I could have the strength to face each day. As I got to high school and things got harder and I faced more things that I didn't understand I stopped listening to it. I was angry and I didn't feel like there was anyone looking out for me; I felt abandoned. It was that song that after almost ten years of being forgotten Michael McLean began to play on his piano. And I cried a lot. Partially because it's a beautiful song, partially because it reminded me of the pain I had felt before, and partially because my realization about this year hit me in that moment. Those nights that I just sat awake in my bed and spoke to God begging for an understanding, for relief, for strength, for anything that could get me through, I would suddenly feel calm enough to go to sleep. Or in those moments that I was so overwhelmed and emotional that I barely felt I could breathe I would have the ability to laugh all of a sudden and it let in just enough light to get me through. All those moments were my Heavenly Father telling me that I was not forgotten. That all of these things that were breaking my heart and my will would soon be to my benefit if I could just hang on.
Everyone sees God differently. The way I see my Heavenly Father is just as that...a father. I imagine that he is a lot like my father here on earth. He knows my heart, he is willing to comfort me in my sadness, and help lift me in my weakness. When I began on the journey I did a year ago I remember having a conversation with my dad where he asked me what I wanted to do and after I told him he said "okay...this is probably going to hurt and you're probably going to cry and I hate that. But that feeling in your gut that it's right is what you have to hold on to. You do what you know is right and we will follow you and back you up. We take our cues from you." That song I believe was Heavenly Father reminding me to go with my gut. That He knew it would hurt but that it would be for my own good if I could just hold on.
From this year of hurt and heartache I learned more than I ever thought I could. I see my life differently. I see each day differently. I know that there are so many cases like mine where it did not turn out favorably and I count my blessings that in my case, one in a million, it did. I look back and I can identify moments where I believe some of the loved ones that have gone already that I miss so dearly were watching me steadfastly. Where they were sitting next to me without me knowing, and maybe holding my hand and saying some prayers for me. I really believe that. I count my blessings every time I wake up and look at my husband. Every time we laugh together and talk about our future together I feel overwhelming gratitude for my life. I feel overwhelming appreciation for the Atonement because I learned that it was not just for our sins but for every trial and difficulty we face in this life. I feel appreciation for my family because they have been the most amazing support system and I certainly could not have done it without them. I am grateful for my husband and who he is. The strength and the faith that he had to tap into is amazing and how different he and I both stand at the end of this year is mind blowing. I love him differently than I did a year ago. I certainly don't know all (or a fraction) of what there is to know about marriage. But looking back to what I knew the day we got married and what I know now I feel so much more enlightened. I had no clue what was coming at us that day. All I knew is that I loved this man and I would do what had to be done to keep him for eternity. I tapped into that thought and emotion a lot. And I am grateful I did.
This is getting lengthy so I will wrap up. Looking back at the direction my life has gone and where I could have taken it has been interesting. I can point to several instances where if I had chosen another way I would not be where I am today. I don't know where I would be if I had chosen that direction, but I know I wouldn't be here and here is where I want to be. My resolutions for this next year are definitely there but the main couple I have are these:
1. Make 2014 utterly and completely different from 2013. Forget the hurt, forget the anger, always remember the lessons. Remember the blessings. Remember how I got to where I am and never take it for granted but move forward.
2. Love more. Love my husband better, love myself more, love my family, love my life, love where I am while I am there because it's time that won't come back so I better make it count.
I am glad 2013 is done because it was so hard. But I am forever grateful for all the things I learned. The strengths I have developed, the experiences and attitudes I gained are irreplaceable and I don't think could have come another way. I am ready for 2014 so I can learn just as much and come out on the other end feeling like a better person because after all that's what life is about, right?
"Nobody gets to live life backward.
Look ahead, that is where your future lies."
Happy New Year Everyone.
